


What You Are Is Beautiful

by Lare_loi



Category: Warrior Nun
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-23
Updated: 2020-09-23
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:48:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26619997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lare_loi/pseuds/Lare_loi
Summary: Post S1The sisters aren't just running from Adriel. Their big stunt at the Vatican managed to strengthen the bonds between their world and the next as well as put them in not-so-great standing with the Holy Catholic Church. The Sister Warriors are nuns on the run from Adriel, their pasts, and everything that they just can’t control.Features:some quality Ava/BeatriceMary talking about ShannonCamila being an allyLilith learning to accept her not-so-inner demon
Relationships: Sister Beatrice/Ava Silva, Sister Lilith/Sister Camila
Comments: 7
Kudos: 89





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story is originally from my wattpad @Lare_loi   
> The sections on there are much smaller than what I’ll be putting up here

The first week after the battle at the Vatican were a blur to Ava. She remembered the chaos and desperately fighting with the Sisters to free Mary. She remembered the Wraith demons as they hovered above her new friends, threatening to welcome themselves in. And she could remember the extreme burning sensation when she unleashed everything she could from the halo, causing the soldiers of Hell to evaporate before her eyes. 

The hours that followed were the strangest part. She felt like she was watching herself from afar as the events played out. She remembered the temporary adrenaline rush from having to steal a considerable amount of equipment from a Conad nearby. But Ava also remembered hitchhiking with the Sisters crammed together in the back of some old guy's truck. She remembered his grandpa-like attitude and the stories he told them as Ava nearly fell asleep with her head resting on Beatrice's shoulder. But she didn't feel like any of it had happened to her. 

She remembered Camila's sniffling and the unexplainable emptiness that had consumed them all as they hiked through the countryside until they found a sheltered clearing in the woods with a river and plenty of space for their tents. 

Ava looked around herself now. It was morning and she sat in the makeshift kitchen the group had built around the fire ring Mary had prepared first thing. It was early enough that the other Sisters weren't awake yet. Ava hadn't been sleeping much lately and was still awake when the sun began peaking over the horizon. She decided she would get up. She needed to clear her mind if she wanted to sleep ever again. 

So much had happened and everyone was still in their weird dazes. Beatrice almost always found a reason to be away at the river and Mary almost always had something to be mad about. Camila had to try too hard to smile anymore and Lilith kept lashing out from the fear of not knowing what she was anymore. 

Ava stood and grabbed a pot from the mess kit. She started a small fire and held the pot over the small flames. The water boiled quickly enough and was ready to be made into tea. Camila had found some sort of leaf that was apparently edible and tasted amazing as tea. Ava wondered if she learned that from being a nun. There was a lot they learned apparently. 

Her pondering was cut short when she heard rustling and a zipper from behind her. Ava turned to see Beatrice sleepily crawling from her tent. Beatrice rubbed her eyes with the back of her hand and stopped when she saw Ava. 

"Hey," Ava murmured. 

"It's real early for you to be up." 

Ava sighed and turned back to her boiling tea. "I didn't sleep last night. Couldn't." 

Beatrice quietly ambled over to Ava. She sat beside her on the ground and waited a moment before speaking. "I have a hard time sleeping too. There's something about being here and in that tent that reminds me of everything we're running from. I usually just take naps by the river when the exhaustion becomes too much to bare. I was heading there just now actually." 

Ava turned to her. "Do you want some tea first? I should have extra." 

Beatrice smiled softly at her. "Sure." 

They waited together. The tea heated quickly and the two were sipping it out of reusable camp mugs in no time. 

"Well, at least I can say I've gone camping now," Ava joked. Her jokes were becoming farther and fewer, but she still a manger to pipe one out sometimes. 

Beatrice chuckled. "Usually it's a lot more fun than a this." She looked at the girl next to her. Her heart felt lighter. Ava always managed to brighten her mood and now wasn't an exception. Even with everything going on, she was happy to have Ava at her side. 

"Tell me about it." Ava wasn't being sarcastic or anything of the sort. She made sure her tone was genuine. She wanted to know. 

Beatrice took a moment. She looked over to see Ava's brown eyes on her expectantly. "I went camping a few times with my family back in England. Before they sent me away that is," she added as an afterthought. "I was much younger, but it was fun. As fun as being with my parents could get at least. They were very uptight about it and didn't appreciate my occasionally reckless adventuring. We never went to campsites, so I would wander off into the woods and find something to do for several hours and then come back to a rather upset mother and father." 

"Beatrice? Reckless?" Ava smiled brighter. "Now I gotta hear more about this Beatrice. I wish I could meet her." 

Bea smiled. "I hope you never do. That's the reason my parents sent me away. I was too adventurous and reckless. It didn't help that their threats had always been so empty. When they said they were sending me away, I didn't believe them. I thought they were just trying to scare me, but they weren't. They shipped me off to Catholic school and then I came here. To Italy." Beatrice turned away and looked back to see Ava still looking at her intensely. "Maybe I'll tell you more later. I'm not ready to right now, but later." 

Ava sat in silence with Bea for a minute. It was a comfortable silence. Ava didn't need to offer a lengthy and quick response. "Well, they suck for doing that, but I'm glad they did because otherwise I wouldn't have met you." Ava looked down and blushed slightly. "And I'm holding you to that. I want to know you better. That includes past you. 

Bea smiled into her tea. "Well, I must be off to take my river nap." She stood and placed her emptied cup with the rest of the dirtied dishes the six Sisters would have to run down to the river for cleaning later. "And I'm glad I met you too." 

"Wait, Bea." Ava didn't know exactly how to ask, but she tried her best. "Can I come with you? I want to try to catch up on sleep and I also just don't want to be alone." Wow. Way to dump too much information, Ava thought to herself, but Beatrice didn't mind. 

"Of course." 

And the two were off to the River.


	2. River Naps

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The girls have fallen into a comfortable rhythm over the last couple days. Beatrice and Ava take their naps by the river, Camila and Lilith spend their mornings and nights talking about their sweet nothings, and Mary busies herself with tasks away from camp. The stress is fading until Ava makes a half-wit comment at dinner.

River naps became more common place for Ava and Beatrice. Beatrice would crawl out of her tent and Ava would be waiting for her at the campfire with some tea. They would drink it together and head to the river where they would lie down together and talk until they fell asleep under the sun. 

Beatrice didn't consider her river naps becoming a regularly shared activity when she first agreed to Ava coming with her. That being said, she wasn't complaining either. There was something so comforting about Ava's sleepy babbling just before she fell asleep and the way she occasionally snored softly once she was out. 

Ava's snoring was one of many things she had been able to observe in their two weeks camping on the countryside. It was an endearing little quirk, but even more adorable was Ava's touchiness. She was always absentmindedly toying with something and the boundary didn't end at her own body. It made sense though, considering she had only 7 years to develop muscle memory, most of which had depleted over the 11 years in paralysis. 

Ava seemed to be entirely unconscious of her affectionate behavior. She didn't think twice before pulling stray debris from Camila's hair when she saw it. She didn't hesitate to give Lilith or Mary a hug before saying goodnight and she definitely didn't hesitate to touch Beatrice at any given opportunity. 

Beatrice still wasn't used to the affection, but she was learning to deal with it. For so long, she had forced herself to be physically and emotionally distant from other girls in order to prevent herself from relapsing on her previous behavior, something she found herself longing to do more and more with each passing day. 

Today started like always and stayed the same until they got to their little spot and laid down to have their daily talk. Today Ava was in a more curious mood. 

"So. Are you ready to tell me more about this 'Reckless Beatrice' you're so desperately holding in?"

Bea was already becoming more uncomfortable. She didn't like the 'desperately holding in' portion. While it was true, she liked to pretend that that Beatrice was gone. But Ava managed to remind her that part of her was still alive every time she stepped foot in her general vicinity. Even that was a lie. That part of her was alive at just the thought of Ava Silva and it was sure to plague her every chance it got. The only difference was now she was being asked to discuss it openly. 

Beatrice sighed and propped herself up on her elbow to look down at the shorter girl. She looked up at the blue sky hanging above them before looking back down. "I was a lot less disciplined." Beatrice wasn't sure if she was willing to dive all in, but her want to satisfy Ava demanded she at least dip her feet in to test the waters. "I hadn't been subjected to harsh rules as I was in Catholic school. My parents had harsh rules for me, but they were just my parents. I was only with them when I was at home, and that wasn't often. I always made sure to be away. I lived most of my life at school or with my friends or whatever after school club would take me. I wanted to do anything but be around my family." 

"But that's just typical teenager stuff. Typical kid stuff really. What was so bad that they sent you away?" Ava scooted closer. 

"There's certain things about who I am—things I can't control—that I started to act on when I got older. And that's what I got sent away for: acting on sinful impulses." Beatrice sighed and rolled onto her back. "I had always been taught to suppress that part of myself, but I didn't. Not until I absolutely had to. Catholic school headmasters are harder to escape. You can't leave campus unless it's a break, and even then, a lot of kids don't. That included me. The adults in charge controlled everything about me and how I lived. I had no control over my life and I still don't." She was going a lot deeper in than she wanted to go, but it was too late to stop. She felt like her heart was gushing open and the only way for it to stop was for it to bleed dry. "When I turned 16, I got transferred because I still wasn't normal enough. I heard rumors of the Order of the Cruciform Sword and I began preparing myself until Father Vincent found me and pulled me aside to ask that I join. That was when I first met the Sisters in the Cat's Cradle and had my first family." 

Ava thought deeply for a moment. She didn't know how to say the next bit, so she just went for it. "That didn't sound very reckless. Being different isn't bad." 

"It depends on what kind of different." 

"No," Ava said firmly. She moved to place a hand on Bea's shoulder. "If you weren't hurting anyone, then it's okay. It's good because you're being who you are. Fuck your parents for sending you away. They were lucky to have you and you deserve better if they didn't see that." 

Beatrice didn't know what to say, so she didn't say anything at all. She didn't hear anything else from Ava and decided that their conversation was over. Beatrice rolled over on her side to face to Halo bearer. She let a smile creep across her features before she closed her eyes and allowed herself to drift off to sleep. The thought of being okay as she was was something that felt strange to her, but comforting nonetheless. She let the thought follow her into her dreams.

—————————————————————————————

Dinner that night was as usual. In other words, it consisted of eating the small animals the traps had caught, and wow, did weasel taste weird. Ava wasn't quite used to this kind of thing and she wondered why the other Sisters seemed so used to it. Maybe it was just their discipline. It had to be that. 

Lilith and Camila were in their own conversation and the rest of the group stayed quiet as they ate. Ava wanted to say something. She wasn't a fan of silence because she didn't fare well in it. She did much better while chattering and joking, but lately that wasn't helping anyone. This wasn't the usual stress of a mission for them. This was messing up and being hunted down by their own friends and family. 

Ava found herself getting nervous and fidgeting with the bark on the log under her. She had to do something to quell the tension building within herself. "So...how was your day, Mary?" 

Mary continued to look down at her food. "It was alright." 

Ava waited for any further response. She was desperate to put an end to her silence. Lilith and Camila's conversation had slowly died down and they were now focused on her and Mary. She had to say something now. 

"Uh okay." Ava paused and thought of anything she could say. "Have you guys been to the river yet? It's real nice in the afternoon. Too cold in the morning, but it's a nice place to cool off later in the day. Plus, there's little fish in it sometimes." 

Camila seemed interested. "But what do you swim in?" 

"Well, if you don't want to get your clothes wet, I usually wade in my underwear and then dry off before putting my dry clothes back on." 

Beatrice went stiff as a board at the idea of Ava in her undergarments. She dropped her plate in her frustration. "I'll be right back," she croaked as she as she walked away with her dirt covered plate. 

Mary chuckled to herself. "Y'all nuns are always such prudes." 

Ava couldn't help but laugh a little herself when Camila chimed in. "It's part of the gig." 

Lilith noticeably smiled at Camila. 

"Holy shit! She can smile!" Ava squealed with a huge goofy grin. "I think that's the first time I've seen Lilith genuinely smile." 

"I can smile," Lilith decided to feed into her joke. "I just don't do it around you." 

"Damn. A bit harsh don't ya say?" 

"Well, now you're really one of us and we're in this mess together." 

Ava felt solace at the remark but didn't know what to say to that. The silence afterward immediately made her feel awkward again. Luckily, Beatrice was back. She sat down and brushed down her blue button up with the solar system printed all over it. The whole group was looking like a bunch of raggedy hippies, but Beatrice managed to look cute in her stolen outfit. 

"Welcome back," Mary commented on her reappearance. 

"Thank you," Beatrice muttered in response. She stared down at her shoes instead of looking up to respond. Ava gave the other Sisters a weird look as if to ask if this was normal behavior. All she got were confused glances as well as a little smirk from Camila. 

Camila swooped in to save the conversation by asking the other Sisters when they swam last. Mary, Lilith and Camila entered into a smiley reminiscing on the time Lilith fell into a pool while on mission and had to walk the rest of the way back to the van soaking wet only to have to sit on the floor to not damage the seats. Ava didn't know how to join in, but at least she wasn't surrounded by silence anymore.

Beatrice had noticed when Ava had started her fidgeting with the bark before she left, but the thought of her in her undergarments stirred the part of Beatrice that she swore to never awaken. 

She figured that Ava would fare the small talk okay on her own and Beatrice just couldn't handle sitting in the presence of the girl who so easily got to her. But when she sat down, it only got worse. Just when she thought she had her feelings back in reign, Ava absentmindedly began tapping her feet and wrapped one around Beatrice's ankle. And just like that, Beatrice's mind was back to all the things she wanted but never should. Her mind went back to all the times she had wanted to kiss the girl, starting to when she first passed through her 20 feet of stone. Her mind brought her back to the idea of the halo bearer in only her undergarments. 

Beatrice fought hard to remind herself that what she was feeling would be temporary. She wouldn't feel these things forever. They weren't right. They weren't feelings she was supposed to be having and if she stayed pure, they would go away. That's what she had been taught. It had to be true. Otherwise her joining the OCS would be for nothing and her pain would continue to tear her apart. 

"Beatrice," Mary called out. "Damn girl. How out of it are you?" 

"My apologies," she quickly responded. She calmed the intense hammering in her chest and looked up. 

"Well, I was asking: When's the last time you went swimming?" 

"Oh my. It's been a while. Since before I joined the Order. They don't make nun appropriate swimwear as you already know." 

"Prudes," Mary scoffed again. 

"So...you guys don't do stuff like swimming as nuns? Is that a thing you aren't allowed to do?" The thought seemed surreal to Ava but it made sense too. They're activities were already very restricted because they had sworn to serve God and only him for the rest of their lives, but still. 

Beatrice piped up first. Maybe it would help her really internalize her duty again. "Swim wear isn't exactly modest." 

"Well, you guys aren't 100% nuns anymore. You have more freedom now. Why not enjoy it?" 

That killed it. The whole conversation. Wow, nice going Ava. Just when things were lightening up, you fuck it up. 

"We still have our vows." Camila looked even more distressed than before. Her brows were knit together and her face was fixed into a deep frown. "Even if we messed up, we still have them. And that's just between us and God, right?" 

Ava didn't say anything to that and it seemed that no one else could say anything either. Ava wished she knew something to say to calm her and reassure her that no God would hold her genuine effort against her. But instead, she just sat in silence, very aware of how royally she fucked up yet again. All she could do was croak out her sad apology: "I'm sorry." 

And with that, she stood and made her way to clean off her plate. She then trudged her way to her tent. She didn't need to stay to fuck things up even more. It Was one statement, but a grand reminded that all she had done since entering these women's lives was mess them up.


	3. Dreams and Desire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dreams reveal the subconscious and Ava is surprised by what she finds, but oddly accepting of her deepest desires.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning. ****will be placed at the start and end for anyone who wishes to skip over the part with some sexual themes.

Beatrice felt bad. She knew that Ava was trying her best given the situation. She wondered how much social interaction she had been given in the orphanage, but given her conditions prior to becoming the halo bearer, she assumed it was minimal. Her poor socialization was cute though, until the comment about having more freedom. That's what had really gotten to Beatrice. 

The nun was aware that she didn't have to follow the rules and that she was most likely considered a traitor and even a terrorist to her own church, but she still felt like a nun. She still felt shame for herself and still felt like she needed to stay disciplined and try to be better when she knew she was never going to be enough. She was never going to be enough because she felt like she was never enough. Even if there was evidence otherwise, she knew within herself that God wouldn't approve of her. Her heart still wasn't pure. And now it was worse. 

Now she had messed up while doing what she thought was saving her friends and family, but she only managed to put everyone in danger. And while it was partially because of Ava's idea, Beatrice felt like she was the one to blame. She felt like she was the sole culprit just because, well, she was her. She was Beatrice and therefore it had to be her fault. Everything was. It always had been. For as long as she could remember, her existence was a mistake. And just when she was almost convinced that she had really devoted herself to be something better, she messed up again. 

But she needed to be there for Ava. Even if she felt like she needed to curl up on herself and cry, she had to make sure that Ava was okay. She was truly trying her best and Bea knew how hard it was for her at the moment. She made her way over to the pocket of foliage Ava had placed her tent beside and lightly tapped on the door. "Ava?" When she heard no response, she tried again, this time lightly shaking the tent. "Ava? It's Beatrice. Can I talk to you?" After that didn't work, she unzipped the tent door and allowed herself to crouch in the space beside Ava's sleeping bag where she was curled up and facing away from the ex-nun. 

"Ava," Beatrice softly murmured. 

"No response is not an invitation in." 

Beatrice felt a pang at that. "If you wish for me to leave, I will." She paused. "Do you want me to leave?" 

Ava day for a moment before she rolled over. "No." 

"Okay then." Beatrice zipped the tent door shut. "I wanted to say sorry for tonight." 

"Why? You didn't do anything wrong. I fucked up again. It wasn't you. It was me like always." Ava sighed and rolled over again. She faced away from Beatrice. "I'm sorry for making that comment. I thought it would help. I thought it would make you all feel better, but I was wrong. Again." 

Beatrice didn't know exactly what to say. She looked at the girl before her and placed a hand on her shoulder. Ava tensed at first, but then relaxed into the touch. "I understand and thank you for trying to help. The thing about nuns is that we spent years working toward what we are. We spent years working through the pain and becoming more disciplined in order to become servants to God and only Him." 

Ava turned around then. "That's what I don't understand. I understand sacrificing, but it's so extreme. There's only two circumstances that I can see feeding into nun-hood. Either you're in an extreme amount of pain and shame and you feel the need to completely punish yourself for being human, or you've been conditioned to submit and only submit. Either way, I can't see any of this as healthy."

Beatrice's lips thinned as she pulled them into a straight line. She didn't know what to say. 

"Like, you're running from who you are, Camila was clearly conditioned to submit to anyone because they said so, Lilith feels a responsibility to her family's legacy... Mary is the only one who isn't running from herself or to something to please someone else." 

Beatrice still sat in silence. She looked down. She let out a shaky breath before looking up. "Being a nun is about discipline and serving God." 

"But you have to take care of yourself. That includes learning to love who you are." 

Beatrice sat back further. She had to say something,but she didn't want to acknowledge that that may be the truth. Not out loud yet. "I suppose you are right. That we all need to love ourselves." It hurt to speak at this point. She didn't like thinking about the pain she was running from when she first took her vows or how it continued to follow her the more she ran. 

"Then why do you stay in a faith that condemns you for something you can't control?" 

Beatrice sighed and tried to fight the tears threatening to push through. She couldn't look at Ava. She knew if she did, she would break. "Because I don't know anything else." She looked down and crossed her arms over herself from where she sat. She pulled herself inward by the elbows, holding herself in a hug. 

Ava moved forward to put her hands on Bea's shoulders and was mildly upset when she flinched in response, but she soon softened into Ava and looked up. One tear managed to slide out and leave a trail of tears of pain on her face. Without thinking any further, Ava pulled her into a close hug. She rubbed small circles on Bea's back as the girl's shaky breath cane and went. After a few moments, Beatrice broke away. 

"Are you okay?" Ava inquired, worry staining her features. 

"Yeah," Beatrice rasped. "I'm going to try to sleep a little bit, but I'll see you tomorrow morning for the river?" 

"You bet," Ava smiled softly. "I wouldn't miss that for the world." 

With that, Bea left to go sleep. Ava couldn't stop thinking about what the nun had possibly done that was horrible enough to get shipped off to Catholic school. She still hadn't had that answered, but she had a good idea what's it was and it broke her heart to think about. She drifted off to sleep with Beatrice still running through her mind.

—————————————————————————————

Beatrice giggled beside Ava as she held a finger up to her lips to tell her to be quiet, but she could barely suppress her own laughter. "Shhhh," Ava shook out with laughter, "You're gonna wake up the others." 

"Since when do you care?" Beatrice turned into her shoulder. Ava felt fire radiating out from that spot and through her body like a hot wire. She brushed it off and put her hands on Bea's shoulders as she tried to suffocate her own laughter. 

"But," Ava started, trying to get the sentences out without another burst of laughter stopping her, "the way Father Vincent and Mother Superion would talk to one another. There has to be something else there." 

Beatrice turned just a little more red. "What are you suggesting?" 

Ava giggled again. "They had a life before this one. Do you think-," Ava laughed, "Do you think that they fucked each other?" She burst out laughing then. 

"Oh Lord," Beatrice shook her head and scrunched up her nose in disgust. "But probably! Oh my God—Sorry God—I never thought of it that way. Ah and it makes sense! Ew! No!" 

Ava was choking on her laughter now. She curled inward onto Beatrice and felt the other girl tense up and stop breathing. She pulled away to make eye contact with her. 

"Dear God, go to sleep or get the fuck out with that kinda bullshit," Mary yelled from the other tent. 

"I fucking told you," Ava squealed. 

Beatrice laughed even louder causing Ava to do the same. 

"Go to sleep. I swear on my mother's name that if you don't sleep right now, I will happily make you," Lilith barked. 

Ava tried to sober herself by laying down, but Bea leaned over her and bent close to whisper to her. 

"We can go to the river. Then we don't have to be quiet." 

She already would've said yes, but something about her hot breathe on Ava's neck made her even more eager. She unzipped the tent and followed Beatrice out into the cold. She shivered and ducked back inside her tent to grab her sleeping bag and then began the walk to the river. Beatrice got too cold and insisted on unzipping the sleeping bag now. They draped it over each other's shoulders and held on tight to one another for warmth. 

They continued with their night high discussions as they bounced down to the river together. Ava couldn't help but admire her beauty. Everything about Beatrice was gorgeous, even when they were camping as fugitives for who knows how long. "I wonder how many sticks she has shoved up there. I say one for every year she's been a nun. You all have sticks up your ass, no offense." 

"None taken," Bea laughed. A moment of silence passed between them then. She waited for Ava to speak. 

"I figured it out," Ava said more seriously. 

"What did you figure out?" 

"Why you're more or less nun-like than the others. Or I feel like I figured it out. I don't know, something about you just feels right. Like I love being around you and this is the closest I've ever been to a person ever. You're disciplined, but still fun and there's a lot more under you that makes you less nun-like but still radiates the humble-ness of it? I don't know how to say it. I just feel it." Ava stopped her rambling. She knew if she went on much longer, she would explode and gush out everything she had been feeling for the warrior. 

She looked down and felt Beatrice stop breathing momentarily. She looked up to see a shocking intensity in the eyes she had grown to admire. "Beatrice," she whispered. Concern was the main hint behind her voice, but something had tainted it further. All she knew was that she was overcome with a strong desire to be closer. She wanted to bury herself in Beatrice and be closer to her than she had ever been anyone else. She wanted to be emotionally closer and she wanted to accomplish that physically as well. 

*************************************************

Beatrice slightly softened at the usage of her name, but she was still stiff with what Ava decided was either anticipation or disgust. There was only one way to find out. She leaned in slowly and shyly brushed her lips against the other girl's. She stayed close for a moment, allowing Bea the opportunity to process what was happening. That's when Beatrice leaned in again, melting into Ava with a kiss that lasted much longer than the other. 

Something in Ava felt calmed but awakened at the same time. She allowed herself to be fully submerged in the moment. She basked in the warmth of Beatrice's touch and her kiss. She took in her smell and how her lips felt pressed against hers. She enjoyed it as they moved slowly together. 

Ava pulled on Beatrice's lower lip with her teeth causing a gasp to escape her mouth. Ava pulled back to check on Beatrice only to see her eyes darkened with hunger. 

She was pulled back into the kiss, this time taking her opportunity to push Beatrice back, laying her out on the ground. The sleeping bag fell off to the side, but no one seemed to care. Ava leaned back in, opening her mouth to lick Bea's lower lip. The moan that tore itself from the other girl's throat causing a pit in her center to roar with hunger. 

She pushed Beatrice into the ground with her own body. She felt Beatrice beckoning her for entrance through her lips and obliged, feeling herself explode and overflow with pleasure. She moaned into the kiss and felt Beatrice lift her hands to explore her clothed back. She trailed her fingers over her sides and up over her shoulders and slowly down her spine causing Ava to shiver at the touch. Bea took this as her cue to push her hands under her shirt. 

Ava pulled away to breathe before tipping Beatrice's chin back to pepper messy kisses over her neck, pausing to gently suck at her pulse point below her jaw. She felt nails dig into her shoulders before they made their way down to her waist to grab at her hem line. Ava grabbed at Beatrice's hands and pulled them above her head before unbuttoning the top three buttons on her blue shirt. She looked to Beatrice, questioning with her eyes. Bea let out a groan of frustration before moving her hands to undo her own buttons. Ava pulled the shirt over her head and tossed it to the side before unclothing her top half as well. She lowered herself again, trailing kisses down her neck to where her bra began. 

"Ava." Beatrice was getting louder by the second and she hadn't even began to explore her more sensitive areas. Ava couldn't wait to see what would happen then. 

"Ava," Beatrice moaned again. Ava was getting ready to slip a hand under her waistline—

*************************************************

"Ava!" 

The halo bearer awoke with a start, her heart was pounding through her chest and she looked around, frantic. 

"Ava," Beatrice spoke again. Her tone was now hinted with concern. "Are you okay?" 

"Uhh," Ava settled back down and looked up at Bea. "Yeah I just had a dream." 

Beatrice didn't mask her confusion. "A bad dream?" 

"Huh. I guess you could call it that." 

Beatrice smiled slightly, trying to hide her disarray. "Well, when you're ready, I was headed to the river. I noticed you weren't up and I wanted to check on you. You were quite restless." 

Ava felt her face heat up and fought desperately to not let her embarrassment show in her voice. "Yeah, I probably was. Give me a minute and I can make us some tea and then we can head out?" 

Beatrice's face was void of her previous emotions then. She nodded, her face stoic. "Of course." She left and zipped the flap behind her. 

Ava sighed at Bea's absence. She had to gather herself. She still felt...excited and needed to think of anything to stop it. She thought back to almost dying in the fight at the Vatican and that seemed to help. But when she emerged from the tent in her day clothes, she was harshly reminded of her feelings forming for the girl who had sworn to serve no one but God. 

"Good morning." Ava made her way past Beatrice and over to where the group was storing their food and utensils in a hollowed tree knot. She fiddled around with the zip lock baggies until she found the one containing the sweet leaves. She pulled it out and opened it up, grabbing several of the leaves before zipping them up. She grabbed out the reusable mugs and headed back to Beatrice. Ava boiled the water and dropped in the leaves. The two were still silent. 

They drank their tea quietly like always, but this time there was an awkwardness hanging between them. Ava finished off her tea first and set the mug at her feet. "Beatrice?" 

"Yes?" 

"You're real quiet today. You doing okay?" 

"Oh. Yeah I'm alright." 

"Then why are you being weird?" Ava probably shouldn't have said that, but she did and Beatrice's demeanor immediately got worse. 

"I was just enjoying the quiet." Beatrice turned to face Ava. "Is that a problem?" 

"Absolutely not. Sorry I'm being weird. I don't know what's wrong with me." Ava blurted out. "Just ignore me." 

"I'm not going to ignore you. Do you want to talk about it?" 

"I don't know." 

Beatrice didn't know what to say to that. She didn't know what to say to Ava at all after seeing her rolling around like that. She knew what nightmares looked like. That wasn't a nightmare. Nonetheless she still tried to give Ava the benefit of the doubt. But she was being so weird about it. It was none of Beatrice's business and she knew that, but Ava was being so weird about it and it was making her wonder. 

"Well, on that note, are you ready to go?" 

"Yeah." Ava grabbed her mug and gave Bea an awkward smile. She usually wouldn't be this weird about her dream. She had had them before and it was nothing new to her, but something about it being Beatrice was really getting to her. She knew that these dreams didn't always mean anything, but she felt like it did. The main reason being that she did find Beatrice attractive in more than just a friend way. She had been aware of Beatrice in that way, but now she was leaning into an interested territory. 

Ava had never questioned here sexuality. Straight was viewed as the default of course and while she didn't like that idea as a social norm, she found that she had seen her default as straight as well. She knew she wasn't ace, she did feel desire for sexual connection, but she didn't ever think that would be possible so she never gave her sexual identity any second thought. But now it all was. And so she was met with so many new experiences, this confusion being one. 

While guys were great, there was something she had discovered about girls that Ava couldn't quite explain. The way they smelled and they way the held themselves. The feeling that struck Ava in her heart every time Beatrice smiled was something she couldn't explain, but it made her feel a million things at once. She felt like she would burst at the seams. And what scared most Ava was that she cared so much about what Beatrice thought of her. She had never cared about what anyone thought of her before, but now she did and she found herself being careful around the other girl. 

Ava tried to stop overthinking what had, or rather hadn't, happened. Her dream didn't mean anything. Her feelings did, but she could keep those in. She had to, but those dreams were sure making it difficult. "So, how did you sleep?"

Beatrice laughed quietly. "Well, I can't tell if I should say better or worse than you." She glanced over to Ava who's cheeks were flushed red again. 

"What is that supposed to mean?" Ava laughed along. She didn't even think about it before she awkwardly hip-bumped Beatrice in her usual joking manner. It was becoming second nature to do these things in stressful situations. 

"Well, you were clearly out of it, but that didn't look very restful." 

"Yeah," Ava laughed. 

"What were you dreaming about?" Bea asked. She had taken a vow to not say what didn't need to be said, but she couldn't deny her desire to know. 

"Ah, you know..." Ava trailed off hoping that Beatrice would get the hint. She didn't want to have to say that she had an erotic dream and she figured if she didn't say anything at all, she wouldn't be able to give away who it was about. 

"Actually I don't," Beatrice responded without an eyebrow slightly quirked up. 

"I had a sinful dream about a girl. Is that a good enough answer to quell your curiosities?"

Beatrice felt her heart leap forward. She knew what sin Ava was talking about and the fact that it had been about a girl was what really got to her. Was it possible that Ava was gay? Beatrice mentally chastised herself for the thought. If she was, that was between her and God. It wasn't anything for Beatrice to worry about. Even if it wasn't a sin, she couldn't be with Ava. She made her vows. She couldn't break them. She couldn't bare to think of what her parents would say or how they would look at her. Even if she had already messed up big time. 

"I'm assuming that's a yes," Ava sighed. She looked down, defeated. "Why is that such a bad thing?" 

"Why is what a bad thing?" Beatrice needed to know exactly what she was asking. She had taken a vow to not say more than she needed to. Even though she had broken her crucial vow of obedience, she had to try to uphold the rest. She hadn't been officially thrown out of her church. At least not that she knew of. 

"A lot of things really. For starters, impure thoughts," Ava mocked. "It's natural. That and sex and being gay. And the stories that the Catholics always resort to have nothing to do with non-reproductive sex or homosexuality. It's things like violence and rape, but the people in charge want it to be autonomy and gayness so they make it into something it's not. It's—It's manipulative and cruel." Ava bemoaned. "I apologize. I'm rambling now." 

Beatrice had to think out her response. "I understand your frustrations, but things are this way for a reason." She knew her argument sounded generic, but it's all she had. "Even if that reason is not clear to us, we must listen because it'll make sense one day. Just not yet." 

"See? That's the thing. I won't buy that and you shouldn't either. Why blindly devote yourself to something with no explanation. We deserve more." Ava knew she was going into dangerous territory, but she wasn't going to back down. It wasn't fair to have these young women with such big hearts and so much potential for a good life throw it all away because they were deceived. "You deserve more. I've spent enough time with the four of you and you have so much potential to lead a happy life." Ava could see Beatrice noticeably shift at the mention of a happy life. She stopped in her tracks and Ava turned to investigate. 

"We don't all have potential, Ava. You might not have a family, but that also means you don't have people who expect something from you. In fact the one time anyone expected anything from you was when things didn't go to plan and you ended up with the halo." Beatrice threw her hands into the air annoyed. "And even then, you ran away because you cared more about yourself than the OCS. We can't do that. For us, all we have is our faith. It's all I have. My faith and my Sisters to keep my head above water when I feel like I am drowning in a pool of expectation and the inevitable disappointment that I have tried so hard to delay. It might seem easy to you to not believe and to not blindly buy into it, but we aren't you. We don't have that freedom."

Ava paused, shocked and hurt. That was a lot to take in and Beatrice was visibly hurt too. "Beatrice..." 

"No, I don't want to talk about this anymore. I'm going back to camp. You can go to the river if you want." 

"No, wait." Ava grabbed at Beatrice's arm to stop her from turning away. She ran her hands down until she found her hands. "You have me and I know I might not be enough," Ava took a deep breath, "but I just want you to be happy. I'm still learning and I'm trying my best, but you're the only thing close to a family I have and I'm trying because I want to be a good member of it. I did run, but I have somewhere to belong now. It's not the OCS anymore. They don't want us anymore and I know that's my fault. But I have you and Lilith and Camila and Mary and that's enough for me." Ava looked down and let go of Bea's hands. "I'm sorry. I didn't want to hurt you." 

Beatrice stood in silence for a moment. She didn't know what to say. She understood and she had let her feelings get the best of her. She watched as a tear slid down Ava's cheek and immediately regretted what she had said. It wasn't fair for her to bring up her running from the Order. She had just as much guilt in the situation as the rest of them, whether she liked it or not. Overwhelmed by confusion, sorrow, and remorse, Beatrice gracefully lowered herself to the ground where she sat with her legs crossed. She lowered her head into her hands. 

"We are 100% fucked, aren't we?" 

Ava definitely noticed the curse, but decided to not bring it up. "I guess we are," she acknowledged, lowering herself to sit in front of Beatrice. "There's gotta be a way out of this. Every sinner has a future." 

Beatrice looked up and met Ava's eyes. She was surprised by the intensity they held, but she fought to not let her gaze waver. But her eyes somehow found their way down to Ava's lips regardless of how hard she tried to hold back. Beatrice had to remind herself to not fall for the first person to accept her for who she was, but would it really be that bad? 

"We have a future. That doesn't mean it's a good one, but we have one nonetheless." 

Ava smiled softly before leaning in and wrapping her arms around Beatrice. Like usual, she stiffened at the contact before melting into the hug. It was still unusual to get such affection and deep down, Beatrice felt like she didn't deserve it. This hug lasted longer than usual and Beatrice started to wonder if Ava planned on ever letting go. She wouldn't complain, but it was unusual, even for the affectionate Ava Silva. 

"Thank you." 

"For what?" 

"Being you."

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for all your love and support. Don’t hesitate to give me some feedback in the comments :)


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